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Spring Fever 'Get into Jaken's Pants' Jaken_smut Challenge: The Toady Prince

Title: The Toady Prince
Rating: PG or PG-13
Genre: Romance/Humor
Squicks: Jaken
Characters: Jaken/Ayumi
Word Count: ~1800
Summary: Sometimes you have to look past the princes to find your toad.

The Toady Prince

By Ouatic-7 AKA Okaasan-7

Disclaimer: Inuyasha is the property of the copyright holders who aren't me.

The girls met up at the foot of the shrine steps, Ayumi coming from one direction, Yuka and Eri getting off the bus. Eri had been to the perfume counter again. Today's choice was especially pungent; it reminded Ayumi of pee, distilled to its deepest essence and then some. But she couldn't say that. “Is that a new scent, Eri?”

“Yes, do you like it? It's from the Kouga Collection, 'Mark!'.” Eri giggled, “It's supposed to 'unleash my inner wolf'. Grrrrr! What do you think? Do you think I used enough?” The steep stairs up to the shrine provided a convenient excuse to avoid the question.

“What's that stench? It smells like that wimpy wolf and his entire mangy pack are pissing all over the shrine steps!”

“Inuyasha! Be nice! I want my friends to like you!”

Once again Jaken was happy not to have been blessed with the canine nose of his awe inspiring master or his master's insignificant brother. Even to his impish nose, the odor was startlingly pungent. Restless at this last appearance of 'Hojou' he peered down the steps. “I believe Eri has purchased a new perfume,” Jaken reported back to the Miko.

The Miko turned to her fiance, “I'm sorry, Inuyasha. Eri is notorious for her bad taste. Do you think you can block it out for just a little while? For me? I'll make it up to you later.”

Muttering something about “impossible” but whether from fear of appearing weak or the promise of 'later', her hanyou grudgingly agreed.

In the time since the brothers had reached a truce, Jaken had learned much from the Miko. Her techniques of manipulating the half-breed were truly inspiring though not, perhaps, adaptable by himself. Still, it was always a pleasure to see a master at work.

As always, Ayumi's eye found Hojou first. He looked good today, relaxed. He was standing near Kagome and her platinum haired boy friend under the big tree.

“So, guys, I know you've met Inuyasha,” Kagome said. The boy next to her looked away from Kagome's school friends, feigning boredom but Ayumi noticed he always kept a firm grip on Kagome's hand. She didn't see the attraction, really. Sure, Inuyasha was awfully good looking but he was scary, too, like someone on very friendly terms with violence. Not that he seemed mean or anything just, somehow, threatening. Not like Hojou. “We're getting married!”

Eri and Yuka swarmed over the engaged couple, “When's the big day?” “Are we invited?” “Are you quitting school?” Their excitement touched Inuyasha so much his golden eyes became even more luminous and he started to sniffle. But, Ayumi's eyes sought Hojou, How is he taking the news? He's not surprised?

Hojou said, with all the sincerity of an old and wily toady, “I wish you all the happiness you deserve. I know you two belong together.” At last, mission accomplished! No more worrying about presents for the Miko, being dismembered by a jealous inu-hanyou or, worst of all, actually having to go on a date with the Miko. Surely, my Lord will allow me to remove this guise, now. If Inuyasha returned Hojou's handshake a little roughly, well, that was only to be expected in the exuberance of the moment.

When he and his master had developed the guise of a schoolmate to keep tabs on the whenabouts of the Miko it had not occurred to either of them, or at least not to Jaken, that the chosen appearance would be considered attractive by pubescent, human females; pushy, screechy, hormonal human females. Rin never screeched not even as a teenager; shows the benefits of a proper demonic upbringing. Thinking of Rin, gone these four centuries and more, always made him a little misty. Jaken sniffled.

Kagome was her best friend and Hojou always seemed more interested in her than in any of the other girls so it was natural, because Ayumi was truly a very nice girl, to try to get them together. That's not to say it didn't cause her a few pangs but she wanted her friends to be happy. Shoot, I guess Hojou's more broken up than I hoped.

She wasn't really sure why she found him so appealing. She hadn't at first but his looks had grown on her. Now she could lose herself in those big, beautiful eyes. Unlike Eri and Yuka, Hojou never had any trouble following her leaps of thought. He was very thoughtful, always getting Kagome a nice, useful present, suitable for an invalid.

Kagome's mom brought out champagne to toast the engaged couple. Inuyasha sniffed it suspiciously until an older man Ayumi didn't recognize slapped him across the back of the head, “It won't bite, Pup.” Did Inuyasha growl? But, at a look from Kagome, he drank.

“Mama, why don't you tell everyone your news?” said Kagome.

Her mother blushed and the stranger moved next to Mrs. Higurashi, not touching but somehow intimate. His cool expression didn't change but seemed in some way warmer. “Sesshoumaru, Mr. Nishigawa, and I are getting married,” she said. “He's Inuyasha's older brother.” This news caused another buzz and everyone toasted the older couple.

Mr. Nishigawa sneezed. He sneezed again. Soon he was sneezing convulsively with tears running down his cheeks. Then Inuyasha started in. Kagome said something to her Mom and they ushered their menfolk indoors.

Hojou doesn't seem surprised. He must have already known. But wouldn't he have known about Kagome and Inuyasha, then? Ayumi thought. Except for that single sniff, Hojou did not seem at all crushed. Startling herself with her own forwardness, she decided, Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I will wait around and walk Hojou home.

Mr. Nishigawa was another looker with even prettier hair than Inuyasha, but Ayumi didn't envy the older woman. I guess it's only natural he reserve most of his conversation for Mrs. Higurashi but I feel he regards us as so many bugs. Ah, well, Hojou was a bit arrogant at first, too. Mr. Nishigawa is also too tall. I'd get a crick in my neck from looking up at him, not like Hojou.

Emerging from the house where the brothers could still be heard sneezing, Mrs. Higurashi hustled Eri off in the kindest way imaginable explaining that dear Inuyasha and Lord Sesshoumaru were allergic to her perfume and to never, ever wear it to the shrine again.

Yuka left with Eri, plainly expecting Ayumi to accompany them but she dawdled, waiting for Hojou. However, courtesy, and the absence of the guest of honor, who could still be heard erupting in the house, drove her to take her leave.

“Oh, look at the time! I better be going,” Ayumi excused herself expecting Hojou to do the same. She found herself ushered to the steps while Hojou went inside with Mrs. Higurashi. I'll wait by his bike; he won't be long. She walked around the house looking for the bike but it was nowhere to be found.

“I thought that girl would never leave,” said Inuyasha, clearly audible through the back window, despite his congested head. Ayumi froze.

“You can be so clueless sometimes, Inuyasha,” said Kagome. “She was waiting for Hojou.”

Ayumi shriveled. And I thought I was so subtle. She tried to leave but the message from her brain just wasn't getting to her feet.

“For me?” said a voice Ayumi didn't quite recognize.

“For him?” asked Inuyasha. “But, he's going home with my ass-”

“Inuyasha!” warned Mrs. Higurashi.

“--with my brother like he always does, damned little-” Ayumi heard a dull 'thunk' as if a head had been struck by a wooden object of some kind. “Why you!”

“Inuyasha! Put Mr. Jaken down!” commanded Mrs. Higurashi.

“Tha- tha- thank you, Lady Higurashi,” said that voice Ayumi almost knew.

“And Mr. Jaken, I think you need to explain to Ayumi,” continued Kagome's Mom.

Who is Jaken? Is that Hojou's given name? And why is he going home with Mr. Nishigawa. The phrase “like he always does” finally penetrated. Oh, no! Hoj- Jaken and Mr. Nishigawa! But Mrs. Higurashi doesn't seem to mind? Ayumi's knees failed her and she settled slowly to the ground trying to wrap he mind around the idea of Hoj-- Jaken, Mr. Nishigawa and Mrs. Higurashi.

Is that the real reason Hojou haunted the Higurashi shrine? Was it always Mrs. Higurashi? And Mr. Nishigawa? She gasped quite audibly.

Indoors, Kagome's mom said, “Someone's outside. Mr. Jaken I think you should go check it out.”

Now, when Mrs. Higurashi told Jaken he needed to 'explain to Ayumi', she meant just let Ayumi down easy in the old traditional way: “...friends ...”, “...not that way...”, etc. However, being male and perhaps having drunk too much champagne, Jaken understood his orders, and he had been given to understand that Mrs. Higurashi's orders were second only to Lord Sesshoumaru's, were to reveal his true visage.

This saddened him. Even though Hojou was to disappear there was always the possibility of bringing him back if needed. Showing himself to Ayumi was not a step that could be undone and he knew nothing good could come of it. As Hojou, Kagome had always intimidated him because he knew of her vast power, even before she did. Eri and Yuka were just everyday school girls, no better and no worse than a million others. But with Ayumi he could be himself, I don't have to pretend an interest in the latest idol and she doesn't always chatter.

Ah, well, orders are orders.

She became aware of a pair of feet.

“Ayumi?” It was Hojou, of course, looking at her with his big warm eyes. He sat down next to her.

It had been centuries, if ever, since Jaken had been in the position of needing to lbrush off a girl. And I really would like to get to know Ayumi better. Ah, well, imp and human, old and young, these are not meant to mix. “Ayumi, I appreciate your ... friendship... but I'm not what I seem. Once you know the real me, well, you probably won't want to know me.”

“Maybe you're right. The Hojou I know wouldn't think me so shallow,” sniffled Ayumi. “But, you should give me a chance.”

Here goes nothing. Jaken dropped the guise. “See me as I, Jaken, really am!” He waited for the usual squeal of distaste or horror but Ayumi just looked at him the same way she always had. He undid the guise spell again, to make sure. She just looked a bit puzzled at his antics. “Umm, what do I look like?” he asked in tones that tried to assure her he was not actually insane.

“Just like you always do,” she said. At his look she went on, “I don't know, maybe 80 centimeters tall, pretty green skin like, like a new bud,” she said in a burst of poesy, “big yellow eyes like the moon, and a cute little beak.” If it was possible, the moon-like eyes widened. “Why, what do you really look like?”

“I thought I might seem taller and, uh, less green,” the imp said.

“If it's any consolation, I think the other girls and kids at school think you are taller and, uh, less green.” Daringly, she picked up a small tridactyl hand. Jaken didn't pull away.

“I have to go home but why don't I take you to Wacdnald's Saturday and you can tell me all about Jaken. I'd like to get to know him.”

Looking at the soft hand holding his, Jaken cast his mind back over the centuries; how many females, or males even, had invited him to dine with them? Rin and, and ... Aside from sycophants trying to get closer to Lord Sesshoumaru, and Jaken was not entirely innocent of taking what was offered before disposing of the less skilled toady, there was no one, except Rin, until now. Unbidden his tongue spoke, “That would be nice.”


AN: Thanks to Lois McMaster Bujold and The Vor Game for the perfume idea.

AN2: Any resemblance between this story and The Marking by Fenikkusuken is purely coincidental.

Mood: accomplishedTada!

To cute. Loved it, really. Especially how you used the Mark! perfume from the Kouga line. Although, what I'd like to know is why was Ayumi always able to see the 'real' Jaken?

I don't know how. Maybe she has a touch of imp in her, thus the attraction?

Hmm, maybe she was blessed in a former life with the soul of Jaken's soulmate who was tragically stepped upon at birth thus leaving him alone for countless ages? Heh. Poor Jaken. I'm sure he won't know what to do with all that acceptance!

WHat the heck is that icon?

It's a suit of armor who's finger is getting chomped on by a miniature panda bear!


O.O You mean, that's not supposed to be normal?

I'm glad to hear that is volunatry on the part of the panda. It seemed a terrible way to die.

Very deep and romantic and almost painfully unlikely. Lots of nice background references. It gives me the joy of visualizing Eri being chased through the streets followed by an ever-growing horde of Tokyo lap dogs at the terrible risk of her shins being violated in the manner of the fate worse than death.

I like your image of Eri's shins.

Even I can't convince myself that Ayumi's passion will last. The best that can be hoped for is a lasting friendship.

Me, reading the title of the post . . .

"Oh, god. I'm not going to look. I'm not going to look." *click*

But, I liked it. Like they said, it was cute.

Cute is good. Thank you.

PS. I'm saving the juicy stuff dor the sequel. So be sure not to click on The Return of the Toady Prince!

Koga perfume? Too funny. All in all very cute. I particularly liked the sneezing brothers (and InuHoney with a congested nose.) also, the it won't bite, pup line. well done!

Thank you much, You don't think Kouga is self-absorbed enough to have a signature collection?

well, in retrospect, of course, but it caught me off guard nonetheless!

hehehehehehehe perfume that smells like pee.

nice story

Thank you.

I think that from now on, I will start all my stories with a pee joke.


Hee...liked the angle on this. I rather enjoyed the idea of Hojo being Jaken, as opposed to say, Koga. An Ayumi already knowing his 'true form'.

I esp. liked Noko's image of Eri clinging to a lamppost, squealing as her shins are humped madly by platoons of panting Yorkies...

I got an honourable mention in Ouatic's author's notes! *throws confetti*

Kouga could never be Hojou! Kouga is much too forceful, not nearly as malleable as Jaken. Now, Kouga could have been re-incarnated as Jii-chan, however! That is why he keeps flinging sutras on Inuyasha!

I was thinking more the persistence in the face of reality for Koga/Hojo...

I see that but it works for Jii-chan, as well.

I gotta remember Kouga as Jii-chan for that re-incarnation fic that will probably never hit paper.

You like to set up the the complicated inter-familial connections, don't you? Never mind Sess being brother-in-law and stepfather to Kagome once he bags Mrs. H, but now the fillip of Kagome being the biological spawn of Koga/Ojii-chan. No wonder Inu thinks her scent is intriguing...

I always liked the idea of Kagome being the many-times great granddaughter of Miroku and Sango. Could explain why she wants to fondle Inu's ears.

"The Princess & the Frog" by Michael Peter Smith

One day a beautiful princess
Was walking on the bog
On a slab of peat
Who should she meet
But Fred the Talking Frog
Well the top of the morning to you lass
Hello hello cries he
I'd be glad you know if you'd stop a mo'
And listen close to me
You see I've been bewitched
And I'm needing a royal miss
Such as your lovely self
To give this ugly mug a kiss
Such a metamorphosis will then ensue
I'll tell you true
For I'm really a former prince
And I'll straightway marry you

To me rightful rightful Johnny Go Darum
Higgledy-piggledy down and around to me
High low harem and scarem
Riding a white horse to Cranberry Town
To me toady toady Truman Capote
Driving to Sligo with Molly O'Shea
For to dance by the sea
With a right cup of tea
On a bleary Sunday morning

Well I heard that song
And that dance before
Says the Princess it's all fine
But if it's a kiss you're after
The chance is you'll have to stand in line
There's frogs outside me father's castle
Frogs in the royal hall
Frogs is climbing up the chimney
Frogs is bouncing off the wall
Frogs is floating on the moat
And up the stairs and on the shelf
If I had to kiss every one yiz Jaysus
I'd have no time to myself
But laddie let's make it swift
For lately falls the hour
And I'm due home for me evening shift of
Pining in the tower

To me rightful rightful Johnny Go Darum
Higgledy-piggledy down and around to me
High low harem and scarem
Riding a white horse to Cranberry Town
To me toady toady Truman Capote
Faith and begorrah it's Maureen O'Hara
Driving to Sligo with Molly O'Shea
For to dance by the sea
With a right cup of tea
On a bleary Sunday morning

She's just about to kiss him
When Mrs. Frog comes hopping by
Crying Fred you're late for supper
Coming dear was his reply
You mean he's not bewitched
The princess says
Just odd says Mrs. Frog
And into kissing princesses
He meets upon the bog
And though I love me Fred
I fear he chafes at family ties
I'd invite you home for supper me dear
But we only have two flies
Thank God you didn't kiss him
Today's your lucky day
When I kissed Fred I was a princess too
That's how I got this way

To me rightful rightful Johnny Go Darum
Higgledy-piggledy down and around to me
High low harem and scarem
Riding a white horse to Cranberry Town
To me toady toady Truman Capote
Faith and begorrah it's Maureen O'Hara
Hark to the herald it's Barry Fitzgerald
Driving to Sligo with Molly O'Shea
For to dance by the sea
With a right cup of tea
On a bleary Sunday morning

To me toady toady Truman Capote
Faith and begorrah it's Maureen O'Hara
Hark to the herald it's Barry Fitzgerald
All in a Volswagen with Victor McLagen
Driving to Sligo with Molly O'Shea
For to dance by the sea
With a right cup of tea
On a bleary Sunday morning
For to dance by the sea
With an LSD
Timothy Leary Sunday morning

© Michael Peter Smith

Re: "The Princess & the Frog" by Michael Peter Smith

But in my sappy story, the 'princess' knew all along that the guy was a 'toad', that's what makes it sappy.

Lack of resources?

Yeah, but I couldn't find a clever song about that.